Filter Free

Have you ever wished that you could just say whatever you wanted?  That there was no filter that caused you to hold back your true thoughts and emotions to placate someone else, to keep the peace, and to keep everyone happy?  Boy, I do.  Nearly everyday of my life at some point.

And maybe this is because I tend to let things go by unsaid.  When someone hurts me or offends me or infuriates me my normal response is to cry to myself, complain to my friends and eventually let myself get over it.  And this is for a couple different reasons-
#1-I am not a fan of confrontation.  I prefer life to go on as drama-free as possible and that everyone gets along and is happy.  Naive, but how I like it.
#2-If forced to be in a confrontational situation I generally get so upset that I burst into tears.  Which only makes me madder.  And more upset.  Which makes me cry even harder.   About an hour later I think of some scathing replies. Which makes me mad all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

So pretty much everyday at some point I wish upon wish that I had the magical ability to say what I am really thinking and that, even more magically, there will be no repercussions.  That I could tell the person being rude to bite me.  That I could tell the person that always knows best, that is always superior, that is NEVER wrong to get a grip on reality and dismount their high horse.  That the person whose story is always worse, whose life is always harder could be told to shut up and for once let me have the worst day, the saddest story, the biggest problem.  That I could tell the person who hurt my feelings that they had done so and explain exactly why and how.  And on and on and on. 

Yes I know this verbal and emotional free for all would come with a price-likely losing all my friends, alienating everyone and being pretty much hated.  But wouldn't it also come with a wonderful kind of freedom?  That people might know what you REALLY think?  That they might take your thoughts and your feelings into consideration a little but more.  Maybe walk in your proverbial shoes.  Maybe even get a freaking blister from said shoes. 

It's a reoccurring thought I have from time to time-how satisfying it would be to just let it all go and say what you wanted.  Do I do it?  Very rarely...generally I just say it in my mind and bite my tongue.  Sometimes to the point of pain.  Which is stupid I guess but that's just the way I am.  And I figure, even if I try to remove my filter, that this is pretty much how I'm always going to be.

But gosh, it's nice to dream...